Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
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How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?