GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
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Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I’m confused about plants
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.