Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
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[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.