Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
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*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
This is the best one I’ve seen
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
real
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners