I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
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Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?