I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
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[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much