Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
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I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.