[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
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I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
ready to be harvested
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11