Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
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Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is