Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
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Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
My flabber has been gasted.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Living the best life.. 😊
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.