I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
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How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*