me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
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[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW