Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
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Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Proctology is located in A55
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I found your tweet-up…
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!