If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
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<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?