What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
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Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
*exercises sarcastically*
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
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When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal