“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
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I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.