Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
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[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
I found your tweet-up…
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
shut up and take my money
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.