The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
You Might Also Like
The hardest thing Vision has to do
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.