What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
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Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen