Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
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[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.