My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
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Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?