If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
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Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
My neck, my back, my…
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.