Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
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That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.