🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
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Today’s Times
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Have a lovely day 😊
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.