of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
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a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
You wish you had this many chins.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.