I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
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Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it