[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
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[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.