King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
You Might Also Like
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited