elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
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*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
consequences, the bane of my existence
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.