“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
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NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.