I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
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your elf on the shelf was delicious
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it