“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
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Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.