boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
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Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.