dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
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My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
felt cute might bury dad later idk
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?