[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
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“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
groan^2
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
What personal space?
My dog
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?