My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
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people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers