BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
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This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”