Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
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Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby: