I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
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I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
this has done me in for some reason
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
This is I, Robot all over again
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.