found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
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Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.