30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
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*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
#Caturday
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive