Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
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According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk