If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
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friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
who called it hell and not heaven’t
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”