My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
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NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
I know
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.