If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
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“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Krampus.
Had to try this trend 😊
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
That 👊
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”