INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
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(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
tourist season
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it