I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
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*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”