Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
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Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Still a very good boi….
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I feel it
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.