I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
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WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go