When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
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WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it